Memo from God

From the Desk of God

To: Bud Selig

From: God

Re: I Bless America


Dear Bud:

I am writing to you concerning a matter of great importance. I enjoyed watching the World Series last night, but Mr. Selig, PLEASE stop the inane playing of “God Bless America” during the 7th inning stretch IMMEDIATELY! Look, I like Irving Berlin, and Kate Smith is a pal (every other Thursday up here is Talent Night, and last week she did a couple of numbers with Ol’ Dirty Bastard that blew the Pearly Gates off this place!) but the 7th inning is for peanuts and crackerjack.

You already disposed of the patriotism before the game, and let’s face it, it has been four years. Move on, Bud, move on.

It also is a pretty lame song. “God Bless America?” Are you telling me to do so? Well, if so, I’m more than just a bit offended. Asking? Get in line. I’ve got a lot of countries to bless. Expressing vague optimism? Why bother? And “the oceans white with foam?” Looked around lately, Bud? The oceans are more likely a murky brown with medical waste and used condoms.

So here is my suggestion. If you must go patriotic, go with the purple mountains or the tis of thee thing, or even that smarmy Neil Diamond song. Hell (oh, sorry, excuse me!), I don’t care if you use "Surfin’ USA," just stop with the whole “through the night with a light from above” routine! I must warn you, however, that Hurricane Katrina will look like soft-tossing in the bullpen compared to what will happen if I see Lee Greenwood within a 250-mile radius of any World Series game.

Thank you, Bud, and go White Sox! Oh, does that surprise you? Of course I want the Sox to win. You don’t think I would root for the Astros, do you: